It is the first day of a brand new year, and i am looking up. I cannot say anything for definate,who can? and i never choose to make resolutions, all i Can say is, in the year ahead...
i will Love and love deeply and from the heart, and i trust that i will also be loved this way, by those i am dear to and by The Universe itself.
That is the biggest question i have ever found i needed to answer... whatever my troubles have been however low my spirits,however ill. Do i believe in a loving Universe that has meaning and purpose? and thus do i have a meaning and purpose for being here and going through what i am. Or do i believe there is no real reason for anything,no purpose for my being, no value,no goodness to any of it and no loving force that cares?
I believe i am nutured and cared about by Love/God/Energy/the Universe, thats bigger than i am, yet encompasses and enfolds me within it, so i am not seperate from it, ever- and never alone. Yes I believe in Love and that i am Loved.
I am immensely thankful for the fact that this goes beyond a thought for me and is something sensed down deep in my heart,beyond reasoning,a place that holds steadfast even if i waver and feel all sorts of emotions on the surface of day to day life, it,that part of me, remains firm in the belief that things are happening for a reason and that if i can continue there will be a good outcome and a reason why - that one day i will come to understand, with the benefit of a greater perspective than i have just now.
This is not something i began my healing journey with, i was only a teenager then, it is something that has grown,in part because when isolated from the 'chatter' of everday life you tend to then be able to hear your own voice of intuition more clearly, even if it happens without your realising at first. It is like the silence that meditation brings. You are not distancing yourself from the world when you meditate you are becoming more in touch with it (and who you are) at a deeper level. Just like when youre in nature and you feel that same calmness, the rhythm that exists beneath the hum drum noise of the everyday. It has a positive,recharging effect on you.
If this post itself sounds a bit deep, i am reflective,and it is only because you have to dig that deep when you're ill, because questions become more pressing and personal.What you believe becomes a way to survive,it has to support you from the inside, and enable you to face the worst and emerge out the other side-sometimes only years later.
It is the only way i have ever kept going and though things are far from what they once were, i still need to get better than i am-in order to simply look after myself and make some what of a happier life to live.
This is my wish for '09 'to be able to walk down to the bottom of our street and back (something i did without thinking everyday walking to school but have not been well enough to do for some 16 years since) and for it to become a regular thing too! Maybe to even be in a swimming pool,and feel the water around me, again somethin i have wanted to do for so long. I also want to maintain a balance,between being grateful for what i can do now, with the desire for more to come about. And to feel calmer and more confident overall. If my strength returns further then perhaps the anxiety will continue to fade,from what has been a constant feeling to an eventual distant memory.
If you find the answers to your deep questions in your own heart, then they can be a tremendous support and help give you the courage you need to keep going- a Light to see by, even when it is very dark.
On comments lately some of you have said i seem strong,i don't know,i don't always feel it, i think we all have moments of both strength and weakness,and need those close to us for support. Its not always appropriate or benefitial to write in any detail about aspects of what i am like day to day,personal struggles or the ups and downs of an illness - which i am not focused upon here on my blog, because it is not who I am,(it doesnt define me)... i want to enjoy everything i get to express here and share with you.
Though i do recognise sometimes, now and again, it is good for me to have this place to share my feelings- it helps me, and maybe helps others who are in similar situations with their health(recovering from ME/CFIDS) maybe this post is about sharing what sustains me underneath all that goes on. How i can be strong and not so strong, both at the same time, and how thats probably more common than we think in other people too.
I would be grateful for any comments...its tricky when you write like this, you can doubt whether to post it up or not...and just to mention the collage above is from my polyvore,if you click here it will take you to the set and give any image sources.
To my friends who may not be well enough to read this(but who are amongst the strongest people i know) and to my new friends out there who can, i wish you courage to love deeply, strength and the answers to all that you need,along with the love that will sustain you from the inside, blossoming out to touch the world in ways so unique that only you can do. A life full of meaning,no matter where or what you can do in 2009,Bless you, With Love Kathryn
