You are not alone

This is a specially made video by Vikki who has been severley ill with ME herself. It is very moving and poignant and i think highlights how the illness M.E. can affect young people very severley. I hope it also gives a sense to those that are that ill, that they are not alone in what they are going through. Please watch it if you'd like to.

 Watchin this video today was emotive and i just felt like adding a bit about my own experiences in this post...

"On a personal note"... As many friends and readers know i became ill in my teens with M.E. too and have been on a deep and vast healing journey ever since, one which i continue even as i am writing this blog. This journey has been about seeking ways to survive the bad and turn my life into something better, to get back to living, to be happier and to be able to express in the world, love, make a difference, share my life with people and contribute to it again.As well as about searching for answers and meaning to the more spiritual aspects of life, which living with severe illness can make you question. Over the severe years, as with those in the clip above, it has been about a need to stabilise, to eat,to speak with someone for a few moments or to sit up for a few minutes or to walk a few steps.I had two long spells like this one of 6 years and one of 4. I have friends who have improved alot, i have friends who have improved a little and i have friends who are still as ill.All of us have one thing that unites us -and that is Hope. 

 I don't have pictures from alot of the times as ill in bed through the 90's but in this picture i was able to partake in the day of my birthday in Jan 2005,as tho i was still bedbound i was a little better..

 I prefer to name it as a healing journey rather than that i am sick or ill because this is a personal choice to see whats happened to me in this light. It is a journey that along the way has taken me to some great lows and gifted me with some great blessings,such as the friendships i've made and the relationships that i have with my close family. Its not what i would have expected of my life but for some reason beyond my mind, i just feel that things happen for a reason and ultimately there can be good and healing come out of anything even the most horrible.

 Though a purpose to everythin i don't believe we are meant to suffer for the sake of suffering, but something can come from it.. like alchemists make gold. Its a process thats different for each of us, and its a journey that is not confined to this one life we live in the here and now. It stretches out universally and encompasses who we are collectively and who we are in the deepest parts of our own soul. In many ways even those of us who are not physically sick are still healing something it just maybe in a different area of our lives or hearts. Maybe the difference is when it becomes very physical its impact cannot be avoided, and so the need to heal is greater and more upon our minds.

picture summer 2003

When we are sick we can so easily judge ourselves or push ourselves. With ME in the past, it was not always fully understood by the medical profession,so in turn it can cause this judgement to come from those who are either close to us, or those who know nothing real about us. But the greatest task is to not hold that type of judgement against ourselves or take to heart any cold and heartlessness from others. For what anyone healing needs most of, is of course the opposite of judgement,and that is unconditional Love and understanding. Compasssion in its most pure form.

There are alot of books about healing, i have read many that have helped me along the path and i have healed in so many different ways. Yes, i believe there are always ways to help ourselves because to become whole again, is not based purely on the physical level. It is by its nature something that needs to include the whole of the person, body, mind, emotions, soul and spirit. We can often heal from a condition in the most profound and necessary ways. It may at first only be on one of these levels, and then we can see that impact on the whole of us,leading even to be reflected in a physical upturn.

We just have to do what our heart tells us is needed,then regardless of what the outcome is, this means that we are partcipating in healing. I think from my own experience, its so important to not feel powerless to change things and participate in making a differance to getting better. We still retain choice, even if those choices are very limited at times,they can be something as simple as the choice to feel a certain way, to remain optimistic and turn our attention to whats right rather than whats going wrong.

(picture below from summer 2006 when i began to improve and had a first trip out to the riverside..

 Healing is unique to everyone, even within the same illness, we may be drawn to let something go,like anger or a trauma, to forgive, to re-gain safety, turn from fear, listen to where our 'song' needs to be heard, or change direction and all of these things heal and benefit who we are. The next step is to surrender and trust what comes from that. Overall in our lives we just have to do what we can with the path that presents itself to us, whether we are ill or not, don't we.

 Sometimes we can and do alter our circumstances, improve our health, create relationships or more abundance. Other times there seems to be something else in the way that needs healing or living through for a deeper reason. We cannot always understand the why's and thus can't control everything. Its what makes it scary at times but also what makes us trust.Its just what life is about. Somehow we have to find our own peace at the centre.

this picture is a collage that i kept on my doorto keep my spirits strong and my dreams

 Its just sometimes when you're out of control its a scary thing and so stressful which isnt exactly the best conditions for recovery. i guess the key is to get a balance and see areas that you do control and ways in which you can help yourself to feel that control back again ,otherwise the worry and upset make you sicker....and maybe the worry and things i had through the start of this year that tipped my balance and i havent been so well physically since. I havent been out for nearly 6 months now,but it just needs time to turn around again. But i believe it is and will continue to do so for me.

 The experince of living through ME for what has been over half of my 33 yrs now, has taught me so much. Its opened my heart to value whats important far beyond what i may otherwise ever have encompassed. Despite living in one room for pretty much an entire 12 yrs i sometimes look at my life and think how full it has been of real experiences, treasured moments and lasting friendships and think how rich it is and how truthful. How deeply i have felt love and been loved.
 There has been so little energy at times not even enough to turn over in bed,(as thats how to an outsider i would describe ME,in very basic terms- that your battery is flat-or nearly on empty and doesnt fill, now imagine what you can't do without power to draw on-everything takes energy!)so that what was spent had to be done so carefully and with full awareness, and was so much more taken in and appreciated.And when i get to do that bit more, as i have in recent years, i value it so highly!

one of my first trips to our city centre shops after 15 yrs unable,Nov 2006. I haven't been able to do this for a while this year as i have needed to rest alot more.
this picture is from March this year...i would like to feel more myself again like this soon, as its been a tougher year than i would have hoped, but recovery is as it is, and things can get better again.

Its such a gift, everything about life thats good,and it is so much more good when you have experienced the bad. And many of you reading, whatever your bad stuff has been, i know you will relate to my words and that you too chersih all that is good, the simple tiny things that make life worth living. we hold onto them and we wish them for those who are less fortunate,maybe more ill than we are, and we send those of you our love and well wishes in your healing too.    in love and light  kathryn  x

Comments

[Heather]

I am in tears Kat! We aren't alone. I am not alone. Thank you for reminding me. Last night, I fainted in my bathroom floor and my loving Dad just laid on the floor with me until he could carry me to bed. Oh, it hasn't been the greatest day but seeing this post has lifted my spirits. Now that I know you Kat, I am praying for you! Love and care, your friend. Heather

[Natasha]

What a beautifully moving post, Kat. You had me all teary! You have such an amazing, positive attitude - it is an inspiration, truly.

Take care xo

[Jenny]

Kat thankyou for posting this and using some of that very precious energy to do so. It's a really beautiful message you're putting out there and you're a total inspiration. You've come to such a profound understanding of life on your healing journey and you're so full of love for the world and other people, it's a really rare thing and shows your strength and inner beauty :) sending you a big bucket of love and flowers! Jen xxxx
p.s. your blog is such a lovely place to be

[Georgianna Lane]

Oh, dear Kat, thank you very much for taking the time and energy to create this remarkable post. Your bright and sweet spirit shines through in every word and shows that you have spent your many moments of solitude reaching deeply into yourself and finding wisdom and truth and beauty that resonates with everyone. Your voice is heard, touches many and enhances the lives of all who hear. xoxo

[Tracy]

Tears flowing, Kat... because I so understand what you are going through. This post resonates so much with me...and with many others, I am sure. Thank you for sharing so much of your personal journey and experience. Your beautiful spirit lifts blogland and you are a true inspiration to so many. Wishing peace, love, health and joy. :o) ((BIG HUGS))

[Kat]

Thank you so much to Heather, Natasha, Jenny, Georgi and Tracy...and for anyone thats emailed too, i really appreciate your support,your comments and your love. Thankyou for taking the time to write me about my post.
I too felt a bit teary but in a good healing way!

I feel less alone when i write from the heart and recieve such nice messages back.

I know everyones story is unique and i just want to say that if i am inspiring its through being inspired,sustained and uplifted by other people and their stories and teachings.
Tho people can see it as admirable to be optimistic, to me its more about "I simply Have" to stay hopeful-its like breathing-if i didnt have it i couldnt have kept going. As the hostage Terry Anderson wrote in his book after release from captivity in Beriut all those years," patience is not a virtue, its a survival trait."

Sometimes its harder than at others but you just take it day to day don't you. and anyway its by being in the moment to moment experience of life, that change and healing can occur....
Love Kathryn xxx

[Katie Durben]

Hi Kathryn,
After getting your voice text on the phone I am reading this... I want to say well done, the angels are with you. Keep looking for ways to heal every minute of everyday! (I find the LP doesn't work anymore, how about you?)
Best Wishes
KT
x

[Suze]

Hello Kat,
Thanks for this lesson about the meaning of courage, hope and love to life.
Sincere thanks.

[Josephine Tale Pedder]

Dear Kathryn, Such an amazing post. I think your Blog must be filled with angels as I always feel so peaceful and filled with beauty and the joy of life when I visit you. I love your collage! xx

[Blossom Hill Cottons]

Once again a beautifully written heartfelt post Kat. It has certainly enlightened and reminded me that you are such a special person with amazing courage, a positive outlook on life and compasion for others.
'Hugs'
Hazel x

[PinkBow]

this is the first chance i have had to check in - this post, yet again, is beautiful. it helps me to understand & i think will give so much hope to others. you have beautiful writing.

[Eadaoin]

oh kat i'm not surprised that so many people commenting here have shed tears when reading through your beautiful post! my own eyes were already watering when i first watched the video you posted lol - funnily enough this is something i learned through my own struggles, how to really feel and empathise, things bring me to happy and sad tears a lot these days but each time it happens i rejoice in the fact that i can really FEEL and it's an amazing thing.

i'm so sorry it took me so long to read your post, the unfortunate thing about you being one of the first blogs i began to follow is that because of the way iGoogle is laid out you're down at the bottom of the list with all the wedding blogs & sometimes when i'm not in the mood for wedding stuff i don't look through them and so i miss you too - i'll have to change the layout so that doesn't keep happening!

it's wonderful to read that despite all your troubles and years of illness you still have such a strong sense of hope, health and a firm belief that things will be good for you again, i will hold those thoughts in mind for you too & add to the positive energy you surround yourself with. really for someone who has an illness that leaves you with little physical energy you seem to be so strong and it shines out with every loving word you write here on your blog.

i, like many people i'd imagine, don't know a lot about ME & getting an insight like this opens the heart even more to compassion and caring & i hope that continues to happen as people read this post :) i wish you lots of love & light kat, i hope you continue to shine out your light so brightly into the world and share your beautiful world with us here!