1. Untitled, 2. homebeautiful7, 3. Saturday morning, 4. I heart Sunshine, 5. Prayer flags in Sunlight, 6. My dining room, 7. when I was 9, 8. OOOOOOOOO, 9. Whatever you are doing...
Some beautifully captured moments of simplicity, from my contacts at flickr, to accompany this more personal of posts.
I hadnt realised till looking at the mosaic again as i come to post this to you, that the images i've collected togther, are all representative of beauty that i am able to partake in. Home life, grass, cups of tea, books, flowers brought indoors. These things are so necessary to the spirit especially when your world does not extend outward beyond your immediate home......therefore meaning that the more active experiences or sights further afield have not been possible for a long long while.
The centre image is of prayer flags. I have seen photos of prayer flags before and most often they are brightly coloured. I like these ones because theyre the first i've seen in pastel tones.
Here are some really pretty handsewn prayer flags by The Little room at etsy.
Liz says on the description for this set...All my flag sets are inspired by Tibetan Buddhist prayer flags. Each flag represents a prayer, wish, hope, dream to be sent out into the world. The pockets on the flags are intended to carry your burdens, hopes, worries, and so on that are then released into the world as the flags blow in the breeze.
Its a simple idea which is particularly poignant for me, as i hold onto hopes and want to let go of worries. On the whole i have been keeping quiet about it but i'm struggling with how ill i have been since last summer and with accompanying stress and worries that entails.
Sometimes i like to keep my blog free of concerns, as a place to come and focus on lighter brighter things that i love. But other times when i share the posts it can feel like i'm keeping secrets from you. Where you may imagine everything is fine and relatively well and i am feeling the opposite.
I have been more ill and weak this past year than i was in 2007/08 when i was doing better and began to blog. My heart too, has been burdened and going through so much, but its difficult to talk about my feelings or how i am, and i have not always been able to write about it here when people i don't know read my words.
I had some easier days around the house in about the last month or so, but often its best not to say that too loud! as they can change. Thats the hardest aspect to the way the illness(ME) goes. Its the ups n downs, because it often prevents any building of progress within recovery, the way you expect when getting better from something.
Along with the physical stuff and very little energy supply,there is still a great deal of fear in my life. Some of it is my own, some of it feels like it comes from such a deep part of my soul,and was there such a long time, that i wonder and worry can i ever be free of it.
I have come to learn, through the many ways over the years that i have used to help me with this, that i can't rush these things. That sometimes though i want to break out and jump forward, like say i did in 2006, its not always the right timing to do so. There are so many layers of oneself when youre healing as you go along.
No one writes a guide book, its sort of like trusting in the currents. I've found i've come to lean on my own intuitive feeling more...i can only make decisons with how things are in the moment. And create change from there, as well as cope with how i am feeling.
My parents are a big big part of how i keep going too, both emotionally and practically in terms of doing things for me that i'm unable to do, and being amazing support when i take the first steps to return to do certain things physically. If i think too far ahead about all i can't do, may never, will i ever?? it becomes far too overwhelming.
So the moment to moment aproach becomes a rock rather than a choice. But of course it stops you, the illness that is, it stops you Alot...and that gets frustrating and upsetting. No aspect of your life feels your own, choice is taken away in so many areas. So it becomes a question of whether you focus there OR on what you love. That is the one choice you do retain.
I focus on what i love, in order to keep my heart strong enough to continue on a road that can from certain angles seem hopeless. But miracles come, and they happen more often where love is involved. So loving life is what i choose. Gratitude is another rock to support me.
Of course that doesnt mean i dont have immense despair and cry buckets, after an nights of no sleep, or a spell of feeling so so ill...it gets to me. It has this week, and i wonder how to keep going, how long till i feel at least just a bit more well, and can be in the world even a small amount again.(it is coming up to a year since i was strong enough to go out, tho nothing like the 12 years bedbound, its still been a very difficult time, and taken alot to get through)
I cant tell you dear butterfly girls, how much i miss the greenery of our english fields, especially the wildlife, flowers and the trees. I miss trees so much!! At least i have our little garden,we just need the weather to warm up a bit so i can be in it some.
I'm speaking to you from my little seashell netbook,i have not been able to get up for a few days and i'm very glad that when i felt like talking to someone, you were there. I am imagining this post as a prayer flag all of its own, and my worries are eased for a time at least, as the breeze blows my thoughts away. I know you'll treat them with kindness.
with love,
