When you go through a serious illness, you do lose yourself.
You lose who you were, you find pieces of who you might be,
but very rarely do you get to be the person that you truly are,
at least not outwardly.
So that is why, now, making self portraits for instagram holds a deeper significance to me.
For i am able to see glimmers of who i really am, appearing in what i am able to do physically, and through that i can get to know myself in a totally new way. I would hope this can in turn, bring benefits to my inner work of healing.
Being ill over the past 20 years and in my instance the accompanying extreme exhaustion, takes away, or very much limits, your ability to exist in your body in a way that feels comfortable, it also removes your experience of yourself as a physically active being.
So that much of how you relate to yourself becomes internal in experience and sensation, rather than what it was before, when it was based largely on your experiences in life and with others around you.
For me the illness (i am healing from) increased my inner awareness, which gave me largely positive benefits,such as greater access to my intuition. I learnt to sense what was going on in my heart, and also in my energy field, because the outer world in front of me wasnt holding my attention, or in its noise, drowning out my natural instincts.
It also has its down sides though, anxiety around how i would be feeling, and a dependance on others for increased security in that. A need to feel some safety, because i felt out of control and no one could tell me what was wrong, along with symptoms of increasing strength, taking me into fear, and leaving me with patterns of worrying of their return.
So you see its a small thing, these photos, but its a celebration.
Of coming so far down a difficult road, to a point where its possible to play in their creation.
(I think i went about 7 years without looking once at myself in a mirror, when i was severley ill the need, and even the thought, never occured to me to do so.)
It feels strange now to think back to that time, and i admit very rarely do i reinvoke those memories.
It does feel a healing practice,to take self portraits,
its revealing and teaching,after so long,
to view yourself from the outside in, rather than the inside out
& to see the glimmers of truth that surface.
I'm learning what its like to feel comfortable in my own skin....regaining ground that i made in 2007/08 that brought me greater ease of being. If i can use photography as a way to intentionally increase that, then i will.
love and healing wishes, Kat xxxx