Hello, butterflies, readers, and friends
Long time no speak, I have had this post sitting in my drafts since April and at that time I wasn't sure whether to put it up or not as it's quite long and has a lot to say without really being able to be specific. I shall put it up here now and just see how it feels ...
I have been absent for quite a while from my Secrets.
I have not forgotten it though. I just have been so unwell it wasn't possible to post.
My heart wants to write, it has always, and probably will always, seek to write.
At this point today though, I think it wants writing to help me back to my self. I know I can hear its whispers, it's lead in that direction. I don't quite know what I will pen, or type in this case onto my phone. But I'm listening. Listening has been so much of what I have been doing, listening to parts of me that were always calling but I could never hear before now.
I'm not certain i am ready to come back to the blogging fold.
I am weak and at times feel so ill I lie and wonder how I am going to survive the next few hours let alone change and begin a life anew in a whole different story to the one I've been living for the last few decades. Though I know that's what my spirit imagines is possible, and draws me to believe in.
Then I am still baring the bruises from a rather difficult 4 months, fragile emotionally and feeling things very deeply. I rely v much on my immediate family.
I'm not sure if all this that intensified this winter, is solely from my own personal process or connected to the larger whole.
Since these wintery months especially the ending of 2013 & this march in '14, with the equinox, brought in lots of new energy and light. It integrates with the light we already hold within us, it's designed to clear and heal and uplift. We are going things at a speed that's not been the norm so it does tend to create quite a bit of unsettledness.
I find with this that it enhances or stirs up whatever is going on for me, rather like receiving a healing session.
It can help you feel stronger at times but also detox the things you need to let go and that can be more than a little uncomfortable.
So I have had to live very much in the moment over the winter. It's been challenging in lots of ways physically and emotionally. Things I would usually have used to keep my spirits up became impossible to do, like Christmas wrapping and giving or being up from bed on my birthday, blogging with my inspirations to share or photographing for instagram. To say it's been very difficult would be an understatement.
In the midst of a time when I would have chosen to stay small and within my bubble, I had to open and trust in a few different paths and people, that presented to me. I had to be raw and honest and express lots of vulnerability. I pursued them all because I was desperate for help.
They all taught me things. Though many didn't have the ending I would've thought, I did experience compassion. I was searching for meaning to the despairing situation. I wasn't depressed though at times the depth of sadness was overwhelming. I was and am still scared, and I wanted to know so very much what the core of that was. I asked outside of me for answers, and I continued my inner quest. But for so long neither really brought me clarity.
I know you will want to ask how I am and whether my writing means I'm doing ok now? I'm not certain there is a simple answer to that.
There are some aspects that have shifted for me within, to do with the answers I sought for so long, but it is very early days and a bit like seedlings in a greenhouse those delicate leaves can't be exposed to the open air so I shall keep them to myself for quite a while and let them establish.
Having that side has given me a peace of hope to stay close with, but it would be too early to say yes I am through this and doing better. Plus I get tentative because there's a certain understandable reluctance to say anything for sure in words when things are only just finding footing. A new footing on a new grass, and not taking steps, just actually pausing there. To grasp what had occurred, to wait for a while and just breathe.
So no, I am not back to the way I have been in the past when blogging. I'm not back there. But I don't want to just go backwards and return to ways that though bearable weren't always nourishing either, they were just the keeping going.
I feel like my healing journey had gone on so long and I searched so deeply and widely. But after coming through some of the hardest days and weeks this winter brought, I feel I've come to understand some important things from very new angles and that has made a difference which I hope can continue to guide me.
I do have that to hold onto.
At the same time, I still have a lot that's unsure on the surface and experiences and days that I am so poorly within that it is hard to contemplate anything normal. So I can't say that I feel safer there yet. I can't say that I feel strong enough to get back to myself. All I know is how much compassion I have for myself and how much love for all parts of myself.. that it reaches far beyond words.
I want to stay with the focus of "just be" and let myself come back to me by itself, like an allowing or unfolding.
I feel I can't make it be so, I can't work for it, I have done too much of the pushing and trying in the past and it's results are intermittent, and often without good ground.
Though at times it's so easy to fall back into being hard on myself not with a dislike, but from that old worn route, that misguided approach of thinking that results take effort and pressure in order to receive. Or that I'm not good enough if I'm not trying or managing. When in fact, both these, especially within ME, only make it all so much harder.
Acceptance, compassion, being enough, resting, trusting, allowing, being, loving, all these cornerstone words I won't be forgetting. Even the writing of and reading back here, i (and I'm guessing you too) can feel the vibrations within them, & sense that they are good friends to have around.
I watch the flowers in spring and I see how they do all this with grace, they poise at certain moments and don't rush they know there has to be a meeting of time with their inner feeling. Like dancers upon a stage almost, awaiting the music awaiting each other's movements to coincide.
So the right amount of light, warmth, or feeling, a corresponding and a coinciding. The sense of being a part or cupped within a deeper flow that is doing it for you even though not to you, and you're still playing your part, making your choices, shaping your journey.
This is what deeply wanting to heal and be oneself again takes you to, a place of marrying your own desire with a surrendering, a place of having to trust even when you are at your most vulnerable and scared, opening you gently when all parts of you want to do is stay closed, and I hope making whole the two sides within, into one dance again,
If writing helps me with that process I'm in.
Love & light