Secrets of a Butterfly

Reflecting on how things are

Hi lovelies
 
I have been finding it a little hard to blog lately, you may notice if you visit often, that i tend to start a topic or catagory and then lose momentum. I also find it difficult to share anything personal when not much happens. But i wanted to bring you up to date with where i am at.
Things in my little world have been up & down and where some days I have not been up to anything physically, other days I have, and so my focus is on such things as getting up and wearing clothes and maybe seeing some of the flowers in the garden or getting some fabrics out and crafting a little.

I find using instagram so easy for sharing creatively, and then I'm chatting with people on there. This means I have had less attention or time on my blog, and that feels a little sad. I find getting the photos edited and the writing done is harder for my blog. because I have to be on the netbook, as opposed to resting with my phone in hand as I do for instagram.
 
But.... I have signed up to Holly's Blogging your way part 2 online class. Hopeful that I'll have a good month and be able to partake fully in the forums and topics covered. In the 5 years I have kept Secrets, I have picked up alot along the way, by word of mouth, by discoveries on other blogs and by making friends who have given me advice.
  However, there is always more to be inspired by and I am certain the class will give me some idea of what to implement here and what I can do to define my blogging style further.
Plus my friend Lisa is also taking the class and so it'll be such fun to share the experience with someone who has such a similar type of blog to my own.

I have changed my blog header and have placed in some photos i've taken lately on my phone, i may change these at intervals, but keep the wording banner beneath them.

love kat x

A source of healing wisdom

The Cygnus bookclub review dropped through my letterbox today.
I always take some time out to browse the latest mind body spirit books, and the articles they share are more than just your average paragraph. They are proper excerts from the books, and you can often learn so much from these alone. It has been a real source of wisdom to me over the years of healing.

Cygnus has a real friendly community vibe to it, the newsletter is free and their website also holds all the previous features to read. I have had pretty much all my life changing books from them since the nineties. The reductions in prices are second to none, and their wise, edited selection, mean you can trust you are getting books that can really make a difference.

This article really touched me in the May issue. Its on a book called Dying to be me by Anita Moorjani and is  Hay house published 10.99 usually, but £7.25 cygnus price. Its about her journey through cancer and how after 4 years she almost died, and had a near death experience. It gave her an awakened view of where the cause of her dis-ease or fear lay, and how to overcome it. She needed to see she was good enough just as she was, and to end her deeply held fear of what others thought of her. (read the full article online here)

Often,the cause of a dis-ease on the physical level can be deeply held emotion, such as anger, grief, or fear.
It is within us to open up to a journey that can lead us to finding this, and healing at that level can mean physical symptoms decrease or disolve. This is empowering, but we must remember to never judge another or ourselves in the unfolding on this type of work. For sometimes where the required healing lies isnt always obvious, and may not be as simple as identifying a single issue or fear and removing it with focused willpower. For the depth of any one persons healing, and the true scope of an illness cannot be seen on the surface. There are multitude of facets to anyone's life, and the reason for a condition may involve deeper purposes that either become clearer with time, or to which there isnt an explantion within that life time.

I remember years ago reading Steven Levine's book,Healing into life and death, and how through his work with the terminally ill, he described how healing, in the way he had come to see it, was not just about getting better and remaining alive.
For some the healing that took place in their hearts was deep and profound, it radiated out and touched others in their lives, their work in resolving their pain was complete and yet they may still have gone onto pass away. And for others they may have seemed to barely scratch the surface, they may have still had unease, and yet their condition went into remission.
This outlook from someone who's wisdom was gained through direct experiences working with those who were in hospices and at the end of their life, shifted my understanding of what "to heal" really meant. And it stays with me to this day.

So, with that in mind, i would say, the most appropriate steps to take are simply to believe in healing, but to not seek to define exactly what that must look like. 

To know that your body does have capability to heal, and that your heart and soul are always seeking to guide you in the steps you personally need to take to restore more ease at the levels you need it most. Being aware of what comes our way & feels right at any given moment. An allowing, and a non resistance to what is, combined with an "anything is possible" outllook.

The most help you can be to yourself or another on their path,
is to extend compassion and unconditional love.
And to never have set ideas, or in other words judgements.
Be open, flexible, and flow as much as possible.
Ways of being that books from Cygnus have no doubt helped me in developing.

I find love in a hopeless place

 

- I find love in a hopeless place -

Where do you turn when you feel down, when hope is needed, when your reserves are low, your spirit in need of a nourishment?
When your love of life is lacking...is there a book, a person,or a place that brings you comfort?
A thought or an outlook that keeps you strong, when maybe all around you feels hopeless.

 Rhianna's lyrics to her latest track, set me wondering about hope -
and how we find it through having love to hold to, when living in a harsh reality.
Or, as Oriah Mountain Dreamer puts it in her famous poem, "what sustains you from the inside when everything else falls away?"
 
It always seems to me that the news focuses on what we have to fear, and what it is that will get worse. Instead of helping us to see where we're going right and what we can hold onto to help us make it through to something better. Its when things are bad that your attitude, your focus of attention and your beliefs, matter the most.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 At times lately I've been feeling so much sadness in my heart, sometimes I wonder, how its all contained there without breaking.
To express helps, but just as i cannot always cry when i need it, i also cannot always find a way to write about what I'm going through either.
It isn't always possible to sum something up and place it in the context of a post.
But the past few days i wrote some things down - to do with both finding hope and feeling hopeless, here's some of what i have been feeling.......

There are times I'm happy and things I'm so thankful about and that is what keeps me going. There are things I'm sad about and things i'm very worried about, and at times it all feels so hopeless. But mostly, i try not to let my mind think much on that, i stay as much as possible in the moment and the day to day, so that i don't feel too overwhelmed.

 I try to keep a balance in all of this and not be hard on myself if things arent the way i'd hoped. I have a habit of believing that all things within healing are possible, that in itself is how i keep hope but sometimes that means I have high expectations on myself and that can feel like pressure.

I have to both believe in my abilities and my hopes for a well future and yet not allow that to become too great a feat to achieve. I also need to be careful not to feel I'm letting people down or that I'm not letting any feelings of not being good enough drain me. Hope is a strange thing in that you can have too much of it, and that can lead to disappointment and yet too little and that too is not a good place from which to live.

Having hope as i see it, goes hand in hand with believing in yourself - and that is something so multi layered, that it stretches across many areas of your life. So to, believing in there being a reason to everything you're experiencing. Sometimes I need to remember though that despite all the supportive beliefs, and the hope, its ok to feel my feelings about the harsh reality and get upset about the despair of making steps forward only to be knocked down again. It can feel like bullying, it can feel so very hurtful and yet you have to pick yourself up carry on, seek the goodness.
So feel feelings, cry, feel down, but always take from the day the best of it, make a way that is as full of light as you can and be yourself in as many small ways as you can.

I share - I read - I continue to hope
I give - I receive - I continue to believe
I find - I feel - I continue to heal

I see as i'm writing, that I need to stop and appreciate myself, appreciate that though some outlooks feel like a necessity, they are still a choice that i make.
And that it takes courage to make those choices, to continue to believe and be optimistic and to feel the world as a good place to be.

 What would life be worth, if we didn't have love.
That to me is where hope springs from, that's what nourishes it.
The choices I've made in my outlook, in the healing I've journeyed through,
they've all brought me to where I am today.
Nothing, no moment of it, is ever wasted.
But none of it, none at all, would ever have been bearable without Love.

 My life is in my hands to an extent, but it is also about something greater than myself
of which I'm an inseparable part - Love.
Sensing this can either make us feel scared or supported, depending on our deeper belief in life.
I do my part and I trust in the timing and unfolding of the rest.
I trust it to Love.
In this I feel much less pressure and much less, like its down to me alone.
As this year closes, I am in a stronger position, I'm wiser, I'm more grounded
 and I'm still as in need of "a life more lived" as I ever have been.

                                            *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 We carry within our hearts a great love, a compassionate presence
that encompasses us and is within everything.
I think it's that part of me, that supports me, that cherishes me and that makes it all possible. When i am quiet and still, and when i go within my deeper heart, i feel it... thats where the hope comes from, because it's where it was never lost.
If I'm in touch with that place in my self, then it communicates to me without words - that it is all alright, that I can trust, that I am safe and that it's somehow right to believe in dreams, in better times becoming real.

That's what dries tears.
That's how I find Love in a hopeless place. Or how it finds me.

Love Kathryn

The first butterfly

The first butterfly came to the buddleia, which has just been coming into bloom this past week. I took this photo with my phone. (for any instagram addicts, filter wise i used Tailfins on the magichour app, and then put the early bird filter over the top when it went on instagram) i love taking photos, and of butterflies its extra special.

Sunday, brought some dry weather, a little sunshine, and enough strength for me to be outside for a few hours (smiles) i cannot describe what its like when you miss being outdoors so much... to then get to be there, breath the fresh air, feel the grass beneath your feet and see a blue expanse of sky above you. It really is the little everyday things like this that are the most precious.

I'm weaker having been more poorly for a few weeks, maybe you can tell from my photo. These things can happen within the illness, and i'm just taking each day, as i always do.

It gets tough when you want to build up confidence as well as strength physically, but because of the dips back, you don't always make those steps you'd hoped.
Despite so many years of reading the way i feel, i still find when it goes on for a while that i'm questioning if i'm doing everything right towards feeling that bit better. Other times i feel certain of my path and that it's going ok.

I am grateful for what i can do, and for the upturns when they are there, and i make the most of them, and do build up what i can when i can. It really is a case of being within the moment as much as possible.

Music can be of comfort and even enhance the body's natural healing abilities. With this in mind i have found Musical Rapture (avaliable to download for free) a wonderful soothing piece to listen to.

Here is a little voila or maybe its a tiny pansy, that is in one of the tubs in the back garden. I have been using the space filters they have on picnik.com at the moment to give my photos a fairy feel (smiles)

Thanks for listening and for visiting my secret garden


xxx

Dreams a butterfly has

Sarah Field

I have had such a tough July, sometimes i don't feel like i'm really here, and its easy to forget who i really am.
I seem to feel a little better for a few days, only for it to return, and i really feel sometimes that i'm barely here i'm so exhausted (again).

What to do....how to help myself?
Then i remembered this post i'd made up months ago, and thought it might be a bit of a lift for me.
I also have a piece i wrote on dreaming and i'll get that off my phone as it works quite well in with these images.... here it is

Dream whenever you can

Not only while you're asleep

while you're awake let your mind drift

Allow your heart to wonder about what you'd like to be, where you'd like to go

Think of those you love and of having good times

Never let an opportunity to day dream pass you by

There is a magic in your visions

A foretelling of a future that just may come to be

How best to create your path way towards it

Than to imagine you're already there

Dear Universe, i know youre listening, you read my blog ;)
I would like a bit of sparkle in my life, you can send it anytime, i trust in you to know when that's right, these are my ideas of what sparkle is, (its all about Love really, just dressed up in prettiness and stuff) they are my heartfelt dreams, i surrender to you Universe, and which i know you will treat with tender loving care and they will come to me if it is at all possible in my life, i don't know how, or when, but i know you do, and that brings me comfort
love

(image sources for mosaic 1. Untitled, 2. Flying colours • Summer Love, 3. Mirror/Inspiration Board., 4. Corsage Lace Dress, 5. Untitled, 6. one rose, 7. angel swans, 8. Nicole Richie and baby Harlow, 9. - morning XV -
for all other images click to go to original, hover over to see name)

Truly following my heart

People sometimes ask me why i blog, and if i were to answer truthfully it would be to say...it is to keep my heart going, and my spirits strong, it is to put my attention on finding what i love, learning as i go and sharing what i find inspiring, in the hope that it inspires others, and that in turn more comes to inspire me.

For inspiration to me is as important as any breath. It is the melody played within the secret rooms of my heart.

I am not living a full life, by any means, i am often in bed,(though not entirely like i once was) and can be so exhausted, in the midst of healing a great many aspects, that i can't put into words here. But maybe which these photos i took today can convey.

Most days, it takes my energy to get up or wash. I live with my parents even though i am in my thrities... inside an independant and social butterfly, i rarely see other people and i havent been getting out in the larger world for a long time.

If i focus on the sad aspects of my life it brings me down, i would be overwhelmed with what i can't do or haven't done. Here my family and friends and my blog and online connections support me. And before that there were other things that i used to sustain me and help me to cope.

My life, i think of - as full of love and goodness, not because it is obvious at first glance, but because i really look for it and choose to see it.
I seek as much as possible to choose love over fear. I love life, despite everything i live through, my little heart just can't seem to help it.
There is too much good to ignore, there is too much that speaks to my heart and says "look i am shinning, i am full of light and hopefulness and kindness...and you know what, you are too"

I am so very open to healing in all ways and to my life becoming more full of happy times. I believe in all possibilites for my future. But i also need to live in the moment and I seek beauty when i can. I took these photos throughout my post, with my phone lately.

Healing throws up so many questions. But life i've come to see, is about balance, some things we control somethings we don't. Its not always too obvious how much of our life's circumstances we each can consciously direct.
Some say it all, some say none at all. For me its a bit of both. But we can definately make conscious choices about what we think and feel about it all. And maybe that defines us far more than we at first realise, and shapes our destinies beyond just the ordinary reality of daily living.

In navigating a path for myself, i have found the only way to tell if your on track or not is to forget outer appearances, or the fears of the ego, or even what a lot of well meaning books try to tell you and concentrate instead on your heart.

When i was so so very ill that even turning over in bed was impossible, all i could do was think a little, and feel internally. And in that time i used to just surrender and go into my heart. I would place my attention there and just sense the energy. Ask for support, for healing, for guidance and then not be attached to how or when that help would come. And i still rely on that now.

There would be no flash, no angelic appearance, but subtly and slowly in insignificant often everday moments, that help would come and over time the sensing of that "backup" and of not being in this alone, came to mean more and more to me.

I came to depend on what my heart was feeling and what felt right and i learnt that intuition is far more than just a gut reaction.
It truly is something that you can live your life by.

Like a compass. Your heart has a true north and it'll take you where you need to go if you have time to let it.

So all this brings me back to today and the reason i share the photos. I wanted to give a glimpse into how things are for me, some of the time. To share in some way what i am going through, the ups and downs along the path. And let you see how and why, the blogging i do and the friends i make are so important to me in my little corner of the world.

Isolation, is not easy, the internet and interaction with friends is invaluable.

Illness and the healing we undertake, can also not be as easy as we'd hope.
Though important to be optimistic,and rely on a strength from within, human willpower or positive thinking is not the only healing thing you need. There are far more wide reaching elements that you end up developing when living through a severe long term illness.

The greatest things I have needed, are compassion for myself, giving up any judgements that society teaches you to apply to yourself dependant on looks or career or how much you have, an acceptance of what is, while remaining open to greater possibilities of a better future - and a constant need for being in the moment -to lessen becoming overwhelmed either by how absolutely bad you feel that day, or at the enormity of just how far you need to go to regain any real health, physical strength and independance.

And last a growing belief that strengthens over time, that there is nothing that happens without reason - even the big stuff - well, especially the big stuff! & that everything is working on my side. That i am part of a universe that is much bigger than just me, and yet it still cares and loves me. Without this, felt true in my own heart, i simply do not know how i would carry on.

See, things arent always as they seem, times here have been, and can be, extremely tough going. But when youre not dwelling on that, it can lead others to presume your fine, when maybe you're not. Sometimes its important to honour what you're like and i think that's what this post is about today,i just felt like it needed to be written.

So if there were one thing i would say to anyone in times of extreme suffering of whatever guise, it would be - turn to your heart, surrender resistance to the moment & trust as much as you can, be open as much as you can, and you may find something that just begins to make sense of it all for you...and then its a bit like a trail of breadcrumps, just follow, and be with that one step, try not to look ahead. Trust in the path unfolding as and when you need it. It may be a long path, we can't always tell, so never judge yourself if it takes longer than you 'think it should' ok.

I say these things to you sincerely, you'll know if you need to hear them. i know i need to hear them, that is why they are falling onto the page...
bless you on your journey, and let your heart lead the way

Just a little thing, that means SO much

Whenever i have had a photo taken this past year and half, i haven't felt well or really looked myself.

So it was a big thing to me, when last week i had been feeling better and had a photo taken in our living room. I think it looks like the kathryn i have been missing.

I have used it on my facebook, replacing one from a few years back. And think i'll change the little one on here too.

 Its just a little thing, this photo, but its something that means so much. Its actually quite emotional to post this picture and share these words to be honest.

There are parts of me apprehensive for it, (the feeling better that is) to hold, and if i write of it, will it go, and then there is a part that just wants to be in the moment and mark something good for a change. So i'm going with my heart and saying it. {smile}

I am really into scarfs right now. I have a few i rotate depending on how i feel that day. The one here is a Noa Noa and one of my favourites.

On another note, as some of you who saw my facebook page know, things have been harder round the house. My Mam is having a lot of pain in her leg, causing walking to be much more difficult even than normal for her. She is being so brave but its been going on since before Christmas with both sciatica and muscle tightness being the cause.

 Thankfully, a Chiropractor we found out about in February,  is now really helping. Its a long road to full recovery for her, but the fact that she has support and someone so knowledgeable to give the treatment is a real relief.

I hadnt known much about what a Chiropractor can offer before, but its so interesting and may even be a therapy that i could benefit from at a future point. The Wellness centre is a lovely place, and they work with all sorts of people. Often with clients during pregnancy and with newborns, who have a need for realignment after the birthing process.(not surprisingly really, considering all that pressure on their neck, head and spine) By relieving pressure and aligning, it can rebalance the whole being, with the nervous system and organs then able to perform better and energy flow smoother as a result. Fascinating and very healing stuff.

I have some photos of Whisper to share before long, and also a Giveaway coming up this month to mark my 4th anniversary of blogging! ( yes 4 years!!) So i hope you shall keep dropping by, as i love to hear from you.

Take care my lovelies,especially my dear lil japanese 'sister' Kayo who is thankfully, safe and sound, but who is in the midst of such an awful time in her country,our thoughts prayers, light & love are with you dearest Japan,

 k xoxo

 

 

White Christmas - winter's wish

1. doily mobile tutorial, 2. Untitled, 3. wrapping packaging, 4. Bow.

hello butterfly girls,

share a chat and a hot mug of tea with me, (or maybe a coffee if you prefer?) we need warming up - the snow outside is making it feel very wintery!

The final post for my white christmas theme is this flickr mosaic.
(Katja shows how to make the mobile in her post here)

I had wanted to do a bit more with this post for today, but things overtook me, and i have been unwell for a few days.

There is so much i like to share here though! I did some updating on the sidebars lately. You may notice some new blog additions, and some freshened up box pictures for blogs especially in the style section which you can find on the right hand side mid way down.
I enjoyed giving their boxes a "makeover", creating new ones for the girlies who wear such pretty, stylish outfits. Take a browse if you are looking for fashion inspiration or want to escape into their worlds for a little while one afternoon.

I am So glad that you enjoyed the theme of White Christmas thank you for visiting this week and sharing it with me.
You, the community of bloggers, you are all so important to me.
( i reached 100 followers on facebook this week and was so delighted - thankyou! You can join us there if you want to too)

Oh, one more thing before i go, each time i mention being less well for a while,i don't want you, to, you know, feel obliged to keep wishing me better. Though of course i appreciate it,and your supportive words are always a blessing to me, i just imagine it could get repetative for you to comment.
When its a long standing condition, not something that will pass in a few weeks i never quite know how much to put into my posts about it.

I have alot to contend with behind the scenes so to speak and there's much i can't do. As far as blogging goes i often struggle to get the balance over what i include about day to day life and how much i focus solely on sharing others photos/jewellery/crafts etc.

I can't use my own content all the time, there isnt enough, but at the same time i want this to be a personal blog as well, so don't want it all to be about other people i find inspiring, even though thats nice. I guess i am just pondering direction and content a bit lately. Its good to share this with you.

What do you think? do you feel i get a balance? are there things i post, that you enjoy more than others - it'd be good to hear your feedback if you have any thoughts my lovelies. Enjoy the new links, some are hidden, like little secrets to find.

I shall see you soon, take care

One stitch at a time

Sometimes making things takes a while, you have to take it a stitch at a time.

And you know, in a way, its not disimilar to the healing process. Adjustments are made along the way or things have to be pulled out a little and seemingly started over again. But in the long run it makes for a better end result.

This is me in 2007, (in the same dress as the Manoush picture above) i am more myself here,than at present. My energy level and health was better and i was able to get out, this was taken in a Starbucks!
I've missed doing things like that this past year or so. But i know its going to come back, just not sure exactly how long.

This past week has been a tougher one than normal, i have felt so poorly, hence my abscence from my blog. (if i owe you an email, i will be able to catch up in a little while, i have missed you)

Lately i have felt drawn to just surrendering to what is, letting go when i can, just stopping and letting a deeper part of me take the reigns. I've had to do this many times, come to an awareness that really we don't control everything and that that's ok. Its not as scarey as it sounds, infact it can take some of the pressure off....see sometimes i think its like the ebb and flow of the sea, we just have to roll with the tides and trust in its rhythm.

Thankyou for visiting and if you'd like to say hello, please do, i always aim to visit you back if you keep a blog too, and it makes the world a friendly place when i hear from you......

Birdsong and butterflies

Thankyou so much for the comments last post, i really appreciated the love and supportive prayers and wishes that you sent. You are so kind and thoughful, i feel really lucky to have that friendship you share with me. I have left some personal replies in the comment section on that post. It gave me such a good feeling to hear back from you the way i did.

I also recieved some lovely mail this week a card from Heather and postcards from Paris from sweet Eadaoin. These really helped me, thank you so much.

Today it was warm outside for the first time in quite awhile, and i was really pleased to get out in the garden and rest there, as a change from indoors. The birds were singing beautifully, mainly a black bird very close,and i could just hear another in the distance, further down the street. They sang back and forth for a time. I always find birdsong so harmonising.

I got the cardigan (i have on in the photo) this morning in the mail from Cath Kidston, its what i used my 15% discount from Easy Living magazine(this month)on. I wanted to get an iphone cover too but the designs are a bit bright for me, when you see them you'll realise what i mean.They are navy and red and not my favourite designs, so im thinking i'll wait till they do one in a pink.

Speaking of pink i wanted to show you the wallpaper on my netbook, its the butterfly photo that you did for me Georgianna! i think it looks lovely. Its nice to have a butterfly share my day, especially as there are none in the garden yet,much too early.

And this is a cd i got when i ordered some other stuff from amazon for my dad's 60th at the weekend. It was just £5.

And a lovely piece of news is my friend Kayo has opened her first etsy shop selling her illustrations, which i know so many of us just love but until now have not been able to get hold of. So check it out here Kayo tamaishi There are beautiful prints and fabric charms, where the designs are done by hand and are completely unique!

Thats my news for now,with lovely wishes,