Prayer flags upon the breeze

1. Untitled, 2. homebeautiful7, 3. Saturday morning, 4. I heart Sunshine, 5. Prayer flags in Sunlight, 6. My dining room, 7. when I was 9, 8. OOOOOOOOO, 9. Whatever you are doing...

Some beautifully captured moments of simplicity, from my contacts at flickr, to accompany this more personal of posts.

I hadnt realised till looking at the mosaic again as i come to post this to you, that the images i've collected togther, are all representative of beauty that i am able to partake in. Home life, grass, cups of tea, books, flowers brought indoors. These things are so necessary to the spirit especially when your world does not extend outward beyond your immediate home......therefore meaning that the more active experiences or sights further afield have not been possible for a long long while.

The centre image is of prayer flags. I have seen photos of prayer flags before and most often they are brightly coloured. I like these ones because theyre the first i've seen in pastel tones.

Here are some really pretty handsewn prayer flags by The Little room at etsy.

Liz says on the description for this set...All my flag sets are inspired by Tibetan Buddhist prayer flags. Each flag represents a prayer, wish, hope, dream to be sent out into the world. The pockets on the flags are intended to carry your burdens, hopes, worries, and so on that are then released into the world as the flags blow in the breeze.

Its a simple idea which is particularly poignant for me, as i hold onto hopes and want to let go of worries. On the whole i have been keeping quiet about it but i'm struggling with how ill i have been since last summer and with accompanying stress and worries that entails.

Sometimes i like to keep my blog free of concerns, as a place to come and focus on lighter brighter things that i love. But other times when i share the posts it can feel like i'm keeping secrets from you. Where you may imagine everything is fine and relatively well and i am feeling the opposite.

I have been more ill and weak this past year than i was in 2007/08 when i was doing better and began to blog. My heart too, has been burdened and going through so much, but its difficult to talk about my feelings or how i am, and i have not always been able to write about it here when people i don't know read my words.

I had some easier days around the house in about the last month or so, but often its best not to say that too loud! as they can change. Thats the hardest aspect to the way the illness(ME) goes. Its the ups n downs, because it often prevents any building of progress within recovery, the way you expect when getting better from something.

Along with the physical stuff and very little energy supply,there is still a great deal of fear in my life. Some of it is my own, some of it feels like it comes from such a deep part of my soul,and was there such a long time, that i wonder and worry can i ever be free of it.

I have come to learn, through the many ways over the years that i have used to help me with this, that i can't rush these things. That sometimes though i want to break out and jump forward, like say i did in 2006, its not always the right timing to do so. There are so many layers of oneself when youre healing as you go along.

No one writes a guide book, its sort of like trusting in the currents. I've found i've come to lean on my own intuitive feeling more...i can only make decisons with how things are in the moment. And create change from there, as well as cope with how i am feeling.

My parents are a big big part of how i keep going too, both emotionally and practically in terms of doing things for me that i'm unable to do, and being amazing support when i take the first steps to return to do certain things physically. If i think too far ahead about all i can't do, may never, will i ever?? it becomes far too overwhelming.

So the moment to moment aproach becomes a rock rather than a choice. But of course it stops you, the illness that is, it stops you Alot...and that gets frustrating and upsetting. No aspect of your life feels your own, choice is taken away in so many areas. So it becomes a question of whether you focus there OR on what you love. That is the one choice you do retain.

I focus on what i love, in order to keep my heart strong enough to continue on a road that can from certain angles seem hopeless. But miracles come, and they happen more often where love is involved. So loving life is what i choose. Gratitude is another rock to support me.

Of course that doesnt mean i dont have immense despair and cry buckets, after an nights of no sleep, or a spell of feeling so so ill...it gets to me. It has this week, and i wonder how to keep going, how long till i feel at least just a bit more well, and can be in the world even a small amount again.(it is coming up to a year since i was strong enough to go out, tho nothing like the 12 years bedbound, its still been a very difficult time, and taken alot to get through)

I cant tell you dear butterfly girls, how much i miss the greenery of our english fields, especially the wildlife, flowers and the trees. I miss trees so much!! At least i have our little garden,we just need the weather to warm up a bit so i can be in it some.

I'm speaking to you from my little seashell netbook,i have not been able to get up for a few days and i'm very glad that when i felt like talking to someone, you were there. I am imagining this post as a prayer flag all of its own, and my worries are eased for a time at least, as the breeze blows my thoughts away. I know you'll treat them with kindness.

with love,

Comments

[Shanon]

I just want you to know that you are loved. You have love coming to you from across the ocean. And prayers (prays from someone who forgets to pray for longer than she'd like to admit), and sunshine, and hugs, and all things good. Because that's what you are. And that's what we all need to hold on to.
I'm honored to know you and I think you are a wonderful friend.

Now if we could only guarantee a Sawyer/Juliette reunion on LOST... =) Hugs to you sweetie!

[Louise Elizabeth]

Hi there Kathryn,

I haven't left you a comment before but I will say prayers for you too :) Your blog is lovely and inspiring with beautiful colours!

I appreciate your honesty about your illness. I am pleased that you have had some good days and I hope that they help you though the difficult ones.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

I think that the best way to heal is from what's inside yourself and by loving yourself like you say as everyone's point of wellness is different.

Your parents sound lovely too :) I hope that you get to have some time in the garden.

♡♡♡

Louise
x

[Louise Lamb]

I didnt realise just how things are for you, your spirit is awe inspiring I often think of you when I see beauty in the world you have a pure heart xxx hugs

[LauraJ]

So sorry you're so ill at the mo Kathryn.

I relate to much of what you've said here. Even about the trees, I miss them so much it hurts :(

Wish I could send you some better health via the internet, or I'd post it to you if that would work. stay strong, xx

[Cassie]

Kat I hadn't realised that you were living your life with ME. I have a friend who has the illness and I have seen her through good and bad times. I cannot begin to imagine what it must feel like and can only offer you my thoughts and prayers. My friend has found strength in her faith and is currently at a better stage having recently got married.
Take care xx

[Natasha]

Oh Kat *big hugs* As Shanon said, we all love you to bits even though we are miles away and have never met :) I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't doing so well at the moment ... we're all here for you if you need us.

Take care sweetie. xo

PS. I second the Sawyer/Juliet reunion!!

[Kathryn]

Thankyou for all the comments it's so good to hear from you,it totally makes the world come to me,when I can't go to it, so I'm not isolated, your words and support really are felt & so BIG Thanks!!! xxx

Shanon I'm honoured and blessed to know you too, your words made me teary, thankyou for the prayers and the love it's meaning so much to me especially just now. You are such a special person to know. So glad we are friends across the waves! And I'm holding out for Juliette and Sawyer they belong together!xxx

Louise Elizabeth, thankyou for your prayers also, and for your first comment at Secrets. I'm glad to have had you visit and hope you come again.x

Louise thankyou for those sweet words my friend, as always it's lovely to hear from you and I'm pleased you know me a bit more now through this post.xxx

Laura honey thankyou for your support I know you're in such a similar situation with your own health(hugs) so it means so much. I want to post you wellness too or even a tree, a large one covered in blossom or apples like those in an English orchard, to lie beneath xxx stay strong too treasure x

Cassie, thanks for your words thoughts and prayers sweetie and it's good to know your friend is on the up. Hopefully I can marry one day- I keep the belief that it can happen xx

Dear Nat thanks so much for the hugs,much needed and for the love, you and Shanon are like rocks, I'm feeling so lucky that the internet brought me in touch with you. Thankyou for sayin you're their for me, I know I can write you if I need to, tho I do wish you and S lived in my street and I could share an afternoon in the garden with you! Juliette and Sawyer will reunite-miracles can happen :) xx

Love kathryn x

[Georgianna Lane]

Dear Kathryn, you know I send you constant wishes and prayers and special garden magic to make your days happier. If there is anything I can do from here, you need only ask. Your metaphor of prayer flags is perfect – blown on the breeze – your troubles and sadness sent far away and love and thoughts brought to your door. xo – g

[Susannah]

Hello butterfly girl, your blog touches me beyond words - for it's inspiration, it's loveliness, and it's honesty. I am sending you a hug and some sunshine, may your garden bloom and the sun shine so you can enjoy a little bit of the outside.
~ Susannah

[PinkBow]

ah kat, you have such a way with words. as i said i have been wrapped up in my own woes and didn't realise you were going through a rough spell. each day at a time & you are so blessed to have so many wonderful friends xoxo

[Eadaoin]

Dearest Kathryn, you have such a strong heart, I know you'll make it through this difficult period and be able to sit and enjoy the garden again.

It is incredibly hard, but you seem so focused on not letting it get to you completely and that determination is what will carry you through.

I believe that with any illness the most important part of recovery is being able to hold your own and not give in to the despair and to truly believe that there is light & better times ahead. Without those beliefs there is nothing to keep us going, and it takes a special kind of person to hold onto the light despite being challenged so very much.

The butterflies that you associate yourself with are a symbol of transformation, growth, new life and hidden beauty. I think it says a lot about you that you have (perhaps unknowingly!) chosen such a lovely animal as a personal symbol, it is such a lovely energy to have near you.

Keep going Kathryn, it's ok to have these bad periods, all beautiful butterflies need to rest inside their cocoons before they open their wings and fly! :)

xx Éad

[Zoe, Conversation Pieces]

Oh Kathryn... I only recently came across your blog and was yet to leave a comment but I couldn't leave without saying something this time. I'm so sorry you've not been doing as well. I'm not a prayer (though I do like those prayer flags) but I will put a little wish out there for you and hope it comes true xx

[shelbi]

my dear sweet kat, you are the queen of the butterfly kingdom and sometimes they are given a bit more than the rest of us to deal with, but you are a shining light and an inspirational example of strength and love and light and all things bright and beautiful. I wish there were some magic sprinkle dust that i could wave over you and take this suffering away, but i do have prayers over you very very often and i know that the Heavens above hear those prayers. remember that 'each one of us can only go as fast as the slowest part of us'- life is in the moments, even the tiniest bubbles that wrap around us and make us feel so small, but don't listen to the lie that life is passing you by...listen to your spirit, and keep reaching out to others....because that is where you are treading the path of inspiration for so many others who are walking on their own path of recovery. and recovery takes time. it ebbs and flows. there is such a peace to just 'being' and accepting that today offered what it did, no more and no less...and that the hope lies in tomorrow that perhaps our dreams will come true...i love you sweet dear Kat, so many of us who know you, love you...your heart is precious! i HOPE beyond hope to one day come and have tea with you, my little butterfly girls would LOVE that :)

xo
shelbi

[Luca]

Dear Kathryn
I came across your blog a few days ago and I wanted to say what a wonderful place it is. It has the power to remind me of the things that are important, the things that make us feel alive (rather than merely keep us alive). Too often I get carried away by worries around practical things – from making a living to being successful in what I do. At the end of the day a ray of sunshine and the sight of a green tree gives us more happiness that many hard-won achievements.
I understand you are going through some hard times, but there is so much strength coming though your lines. Please do not be shy about putting your thoughts in front of strangers. You are touching a part of the soul where we are all the same.
I hope you had a chance to sit in your garden and enjoy the warm weather.
With the warmest wishes for your health and happiness
Luca

[bunsongpayat]

Kat,you have shed so much love to your followers thru your collections, arts and writings. You inspire us to be who we always want to be. In return, always remember that we are always here so no matter what kind of blog you'd like to write just to ease your illness, just let it be. We may not seeing each other in person, but at least you have friends around the world who loves, wishes and prays the very best for you. And with all practicality, we're all human vulnerable to pain so reading it from you is appreciated because of the trust you've given to us.

bunsongpayat from Philippines

[Kathryn]

Hello honey,

I just wanted to thankyou for taking the time to leave such lovely comments at my blog.
that was so kind and thoughtful of you. i appreciate it, especially with regard to the illness and helping people feel they can be who they are.
I am glad that you enjoy my posts, and look forward to your visiting again,
love and butterflies
kathryn xx

To: secretsofabutterfly@live.co.uk