People sometimes ask me why i blog, and if i were to answer truthfully it would be to say...it is to keep my heart going, and my spirits strong, it is to put my attention on finding what i love, learning as i go and sharing what i find inspiring, in the hope that it inspires others, and that in turn more comes to inspire me.
For inspiration to me is as important as any breath. It is the melody played within the secret rooms of my heart.
I am not living a full life, by any means, i am often in bed,(though not entirely like i once was) and can be so exhausted, in the midst of healing a great many aspects, that i can't put into words here. But maybe which these photos i took today can convey.
Most days, it takes my energy to get up or wash. I live with my parents even though i am in my thrities... inside an independant and social butterfly, i rarely see other people and i havent been getting out in the larger world for a long time.
If i focus on the sad aspects of my life it brings me down, i would be overwhelmed with what i can't do or haven't done. Here my family and friends and my blog and online connections support me. And before that there were other things that i used to sustain me and help me to cope.
My life, i think of - as full of love and goodness, not because it is obvious at first glance, but because i really look for it and choose to see it.
I seek as much as possible to choose love over fear. I love life, despite everything i live through, my little heart just can't seem to help it.
There is too much good to ignore, there is too much that speaks to my heart and says "look i am shinning, i am full of light and hopefulness and kindness...and you know what, you are too"
I am so very open to healing in all ways and to my life becoming more full of happy times. I believe in all possibilites for my future. But i also need to live in the moment and I seek beauty when i can. I took these photos throughout my post, with my phone lately.
Healing throws up so many questions. But life i've come to see, is about balance, some things we control somethings we don't. Its not always too obvious how much of our life's circumstances we each can consciously direct.
Some say it all, some say none at all. For me its a bit of both. But we can definately make conscious choices about what we think and feel about it all. And maybe that defines us far more than we at first realise, and shapes our destinies beyond just the ordinary reality of daily living.
In navigating a path for myself, i have found the only way to tell if your on track or not is to forget outer appearances, or the fears of the ego, or even what a lot of well meaning books try to tell you and concentrate instead on your heart.
When i was so so very ill that even turning over in bed was impossible, all i could do was think a little, and feel internally. And in that time i used to just surrender and go into my heart. I would place my attention there and just sense the energy. Ask for support, for healing, for guidance and then not be attached to how or when that help would come. And i still rely on that now.
There would be no flash, no angelic appearance, but subtly and slowly in insignificant often everday moments, that help would come and over time the sensing of that "backup" and of not being in this alone, came to mean more and more to me.
I came to depend on what my heart was feeling and what felt right and i learnt that intuition is far more than just a gut reaction.
It truly is something that you can live your life by.
Like a compass. Your heart has a true north and it'll take you where you need to go if you have time to let it.
So all this brings me back to today and the reason i share the photos. I wanted to give a glimpse into how things are for me, some of the time. To share in some way what i am going through, the ups and downs along the path. And let you see how and why, the blogging i do and the friends i make are so important to me in my little corner of the world.
Isolation, is not easy, the internet and interaction with friends is invaluable.
Illness and the healing we undertake, can also not be as easy as we'd hope.
Though important to be optimistic,and rely on a strength from within, human willpower or positive thinking is not the only healing thing you need. There are far more wide reaching elements that you end up developing when living through a severe long term illness.
The greatest things I have needed, are compassion for myself, giving up any judgements that society teaches you to apply to yourself dependant on looks or career or how much you have, an acceptance of what is, while remaining open to greater possibilities of a better future - and a constant need for being in the moment -to lessen becoming overwhelmed either by how absolutely bad you feel that day, or at the enormity of just how far you need to go to regain any real health, physical strength and independance.
And last a growing belief that strengthens over time, that there is nothing that happens without reason - even the big stuff - well, especially the big stuff! & that everything is working on my side. That i am part of a universe that is much bigger than just me, and yet it still cares and loves me. Without this, felt true in my own heart, i simply do not know how i would carry on.
See, things arent always as they seem, times here have been, and can be, extremely tough going. But when youre not dwelling on that, it can lead others to presume your fine, when maybe you're not. Sometimes its important to honour what you're like and i think that's what this post is about today,i just felt like it needed to be written.
So if there were one thing i would say to anyone in times of extreme suffering of whatever guise, it would be - turn to your heart, surrender resistance to the moment & trust as much as you can, be open as much as you can, and you may find something that just begins to make sense of it all for you...and then its a bit like a trail of breadcrumps, just follow, and be with that one step, try not to look ahead. Trust in the path unfolding as and when you need it. It may be a long path, we can't always tell, so never judge yourself if it takes longer than you 'think it should' ok.
I say these things to you sincerely, you'll know if you need to hear them. i know i need to hear them, that is why they are falling onto the page...
bless you on your journey, and let your heart lead the way
