The story of a self portrait

 

When you go through a serious illness, you do lose yourself.
You lose who you were, you find pieces of who you might be,
but very rarely do you get to be the person that you truly are,
at least not outwardly.

So that is why, now, making self portraits for instagram holds a deeper significance to me.
For i am able to see glimmers of who i really am, appearing in what i am able to do physically, and through that i can get to know myself in a totally new way. I would hope this can in turn, bring benefits to my inner work of healing.

 Being ill over the past 20 years and in my instance the accompanying extreme exhaustion, takes away, or very much limits, your ability to exist in your body in a way that feels comfortable, it also removes your experience of yourself as a physically active being.
So that much of how you relate to yourself becomes internal in experience and sensation, rather than what it was before, when it was based largely on your experiences in life and with others around you.

For me the illness (i am healing from) increased my inner awareness, which gave me largely positive benefits,such as greater access to my intuition. I learnt to sense what was going on in my heart, and also in my energy field, because the outer world in front of me wasnt holding my attention, or in its noise, drowning out my natural instincts.

It also has its down sides though, anxiety around how i would be feeling, and a dependance on others for increased security in that. A need to feel some safety, because i felt out of control and no one could tell me what was wrong, along with symptoms of increasing strength, taking me into fear, and leaving me with patterns of worrying of their return.

So you see its a small thing, these photos, but its a celebration.
Of coming so far down a difficult road, to a point where its possible to play in their creation.
(I think i went about 7 years without looking once at myself in a mirror, when i was severley ill the need, and even the thought, never occured to me to do so.)
It feels strange now to think back to that time, and i admit very rarely do i reinvoke those memories.

It does feel a healing practice,to take self portraits,
its revealing and teaching,after so long,
to view yourself from the outside in, rather than the inside out
& to see the glimmers of truth that surface.

 

I'm learning what its like to feel comfortable in my own skin....regaining ground that i made in 2007/08 that brought me greater ease of being. If i can use photography as a way to intentionally increase that, then i will.

 love and healing wishes, Kat xxxx

Comments

[Keri-Anne]

My very favourite post of yours. You have such a beautiful soul. I know that if i was in you situation, i wouldnt be half as brave and positive as you have been/are being.

These pictures are just breathtakingly beautiful x

[Kat]

Keri-Anne, i dont know what to say
except your comment meant so much
I have shed a few tears, thank you darling
thank you. xxxx

[Natasha]

Oh Kat ... you are just so beautiful, both inside and out. Even though I don't always get a chance to comment, I love to see your selfies on instagram. I always think - there is my gorgeous friend :) Sending you love and hugs. xox

PS. I love your dress! It looks perfect on you.

[Georgianna]

Dearest Kat, I must say, my thoughts were exactly like Keri-Anne's – this is my very favorite of your posts, one that touched me, as yours always do, but with an extra measure of beauty and grace and dignity and honestly. Such very beautiful portraits. So very you.

Thank you for trusting us to sure them.

xoxo

- x

[Kat]

Dear Nat
Thank you Beautiful, I am really touched by your words.
You have such a kind and generous heart.
I really like seeing your instagram too :) sorry I've not been by your blog in awhile, I hope to be soon.
And that's so nice about the dress, it's a Kate Moss
for Topshop one that I got last summer but hadn't worn till now.
Love you, kat x

[Kat]

Georgianna
Thank you for such supportive words and heartfelt message
I truly appreciate it, you too are so kind and generous of spirit
A blessing to know and hear from you always dear friend
Kat xx

[Claire]

I absolutely love these pictures of you Kat and I so admire your honesty. You are brave beyond words and I look up to you in more ways than you will ever know xx

[Ava]

Kat,
This was such a beautiful post of yours and you look lovely in the pictures. Your honesty and positive energy are so inspiring and light-filled. Wishing you love and healing as you continue to unfold.

[Kat]

Ava
Thank you so kindly for your heartfelt message
I really appreciate the support, and am heartened to know
that my words and photos feel light filled,
wishing you beautiful blessings on your path also
Kat x

[Kat]

Claire

Aw, sweets you have brought me to tears.
I only feel brave in ways that I feel i have had no choice but to be.
I feel so grateful for the compassion that you show me
both here in comments and through our friendship.
You are so kind to honour my journey in what you've said.
Thank you for being you sweetheart
Kat xox

[Julie]

Sweet Kat - this is definitely one of the most beautiful posts u have done...i adore those pictures of u...on their own they seem to tell a little story.....You have such a beautiful, brave heart...Love u xxx

[Kat]

Julie, thank you darling, really value your support and
your compassionate heart.
So glad you are a part of my life and that you liked this post.
Been losing my way a bit with what to share so your lovely comments
are wonderful to get esp at the moment
Love you lots, Kat xox

[Susannah]

Kat you are beautiful - a beautiful soul both out and in. I love reading these posts, they are so moving.

xx

[Mia]

Oh Kat, I don't know what to write you-all the lovely ladies took the words from me -I agree with everything they already written. You are a beautiful and brave woman, talented and kind and so genuine. I love the way you express yourself and write us, you let us take part of your inner feelings and secrets and I think everyone who reads your blog feel exactly like I do- you are a person to admire. I am so sorry that you have to suffer from this awful sickness and I can never understand how tough it must be. But always remember that we are so many people that cares for you and wish you nothing but happy and healthier days coming your way. I will enjoy your beautiful self-portraits even more now when I know how much they mean to you.

Lots of love

[Kat]

Susannah
Thank you for your lovely comment sweetie
Your kindness had touched me so much
Love kat xox

[Kat]

Mia

Your comment is so amazingly kind and thoughtful
You have lifted my spirits tonight and I thank you.
It is a privilege to have people such as yourself read my words and then be so eloquent in response - I can't believe that English is not your first language when I read what you have written.
It is wonderful to have your wishes for my health and I so glad that now you know more about me for when I share my pictures in instagram,
Love and thanks again
Kat xox

[Kerri Jones]

I don't know how I missed this post...I thought I had gone back and read most of your beautiful blog.

You are so beautiful Kat! Your strength and generosity to share your story inspires me every day. Truly.

Love, Kerri