It’s been so long

 

It’s been so long since I posted on Secrets I’ve forgotten how and we don’t have the same computer anymore, nor can I sit at it downstairs. Some parts of my page here are a little out of date. I feel out of time. 

 

Still this place here remains, a little hideaway, a homemade tent of blankets and sheets over chairs, a place to tuck underneath, and hopefully a remaining sense of peacefulness.
It awaited my return. Awaited my voice coming back. Simply awaited my feeling able on so many levels. As I always wanted to post, it was just things were to bad for me to. 

 

I can’t yet speak about it v much.

  I thought for six months that things were better here. I had a way to be a bit more stable and enjoy tiny moments of living. Still within the bed but in a easier way than enforced lying down.

 

But then it got taken. Things changed. And I’m really devastated.

And scared. And finding it hard to talk about.

 

I don’t understand the lack of support in what’s gone on in my life, I don’t understand what it means to be held back and down in this way through my difficulties practically. It is not the illness as itself, it is other things. Preventing me. Not allowing me.

 

And so I have delved v deep. 

To understand what’s speaking.

For things do speak through what happens in our lives. When they seek our healing.

 

I have delved very deep inside to draw on such intense levels to cope with and also delved deep in despair to which I had not known. Finding it so very hard to carry on, fears for the future, worries of over burdening my Mam and Dad. Of abandonment by God. Yet still knowing God is Love and Love is real, and love is really all there is. So where is it?

 

But lots of people have ordeals to cope with. And live through. And love with.

And what hurts most sometimes is not being able to just make the most of what I have. Make the most of things,live for the moment. Squeeze what I can out of each day. I feel like that was prevented from me.

 

I can sit up, though weak. I just had no way of doing so for 4 years because we hadn’t the right bed or support that I could manage to do it with. Even though we tried.

 

 

Then I got one. ( as this photo shows above and I could lie propped up for the first time in years which changes so much of everyday life, I can’t really tell you .. )

 

Then I had six months. With its ups and downs. But still I was sitting. And now it’s stopped working. And we don’t know why. And it stopped on my birthday too in January. 

So I’m back flat and not in a good place and it won’t last like this. And I’m pretty frightened and pretty much back in having to dig deep.

 

And I have these voices that make it sound like I’m making a big deal out of it and plenty people have worse to cope with and manage better. And that I should try harder or do more. And I already am trying more than I should be and already on the bottom more than is safe.

 

 

But I carry on and I take it a day at a time. But I miss my life as it was, such as it was, small as it may have been. It was life. And I breathed more easily in those years. Than i have been allowed to for the past 4.

 

I need it to change. And believe me I try everything to understand how to help it to. Including surrender, and non resistance. Cause what we are feeling, thinking and inheriting within, can speak out on the outside. Healing is multi layered, multi timelined and goodness knows what this has all been for.

 

Cause it’s been for something...you know, even though it feels needless, hopeless, pointless, and beyond reason.

Nothing is beyond reason.

And the reason is always working towards something... some sort of integration, reclamation, elevation,

...and always to do with Love.

And embracing and hearing myself, allowing allowing allowing myself, wherever I can to speak, to be, to feel, to heal.

 

(can you see the white feather)

 

I reclaim any parts of me,

torn apart by pain,

in any time,

and release shame 

that I can’t take it all away,

or make it better

 

I heal and feel,

All that is there in my feelings,

in my beliefs about how I should be,

in my unworthiness,

in my heart, shattered,

in my brokenness.

I want myself to know

that I’m there

I care I love her 

especially in the brokenness 

I love her 

I love her 

I love her

 

 

 

Comments

[Naomi]

It's special to see you back here, and to return to your lovely blog myself after all this time. I really feel your pain in all you've written here. What incredible strength you've shown to come through all these years, especially the more recent ones. I'm so sorry that the small (yet great) glimmer of hope with sitting up has been taken away again. I hope that a way forward will become clear very soon. And rest assured - you couldn't have done any more than you have.

Thinking of you and sending much love xxx