I’ve felt like leaving many times
Because of the intensity of the situation
& the enormity of the restriction
On who I am on how I can live
The length of time
And the desperation
The lack of intervention
How ill I feel
How little I do
No one to ask for help
Truly known by so few
But I’m still here
Breathing my little breaths
Appreciating the air.
Here & there
feeling like heaven would be easier
But ALL the while wanting to stay
And yet deeply ....
Honouring those who didn’t.
Or couldn’t.
Or wanted to be
But weren’t able.
Not as weak
But as strong
Yes
Seeing their strengths
how deeply they feel
how long they struggle
Knowing what it takes
When the heart breaks
Or cannot beat one more time,
to the rhythm of life here,
with its coolness of ways,
cruelest of days,
with its injustices, imbalances
disparages and heartlessness...
That no matter you try,
doesn’t make any sense,
That leaves them just gasping for air
For what they know it should be like
And to which they cannot see it ever being
Again
Time in time out
no one can know how many,
sometimes it gets too much
Who can say what went before for another
No judgement on what they did to leave
Deepest deepest heartfelt wishes
To those left behind
Always wondering questioning
And often mistakenly blaming themselves
Yes
I can completely relate to someone going
Over the last 30 years of illness
I never thought i would say that
until the last 5
which have been so so hard
on every aspect
of my heart soul mind and being
But Now
I understand
Now I understand
what someone can be pushed to
life is intense and I have nothing
but love for anyone in that much pain
For
Something in their heart and mind,
body or soul
it became unbearable
even for a moment more.
they were so immersed in the moment
they couldn’t step back
They couldn’t use the small breath left
to speak or shout out
They didnt feel worthy of being heard or helped
They didn’t want to be a bother
a failure
an embarrassment
a burden
maybe ...
They didn’t want to leave life
just had to run, escape the pain
There’s that term fight or flight again.
And they couldn’t feel a way through the darkness
to end that in any other way
They were just looking for the way out
They were just looking for the light
When all is said and done
We are all just looking for the light
We are not so different afterall.
But their light
Wasn’t there
no light was
and they waited
but it never came back
Everything was covered
Dark, bleak, barren, gone,
No more a grip to hold on.
They couldn’t use a lantern
To illuminate the future weeks
They could only seek for light elsewhere.
In oblivion, they wanted it to end
But from the darkness that they passed with
They entered back to a vaster, infinite light
Back to peace, not pain
Found themselves again
In this we pray
So
When we ask for help
What do we really need?
What makes someone feel less suicidal ?
Catching them
Holding tenderness in a space
Listening
Truly Hearing
Not trying to fix it
Not dismissing it
Or diminishing it
Not going cold hearted
because it’s uncomfortable for you to take in
Just keeping a space
Yes a space
Like
A circle in a dense forest
Lit by lanterns
A place for them to feel safe inside
A place for them to turn to
A place for them to feel the warmth of a light
Not yet there own
But a reminder of what it feels like to belong
to be at home.
You can’t stop someone making a choice to go
But you can currently make choices
that unwittingly may be helping them stay
You can make a choice to love someone enough
that they can be and breath
and sense a belonging in your silent companionship,
or in your thoughtful texts,
or in your noticing of their broken heart.
That in itself
is gifting life,
gifting another breath.
There’s no greater gift you can give
than a love that tenderly lifts another
When their wings are broken
And they cannot fly
You don’t even realise how impactful you are
In making differences simply by sharing your kindnesses
Compassion is the key
To it all
I promise
please sit a while
with me
🕊
Postscript
this post is haphazard, a little disjointed, may’ve not all flow, but it’s here, imperfectly, a little contribution of a voice, for it’s for suicide awareness day today & it mattered to me just to have heartfelt words up on my page
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